Trying to Understand The Things I Don’t {When Mother’s Day Hurts}

We all have our share of heartaches and disappointments.  And each one of us has their unique set of valleys through which we must pass.

My valleys will not be the same as your valleys.

Maybe you've already walked through a great many valleys.  Maybe your darkest hours still lie ahead of you.

Have you ever seen someone experiencing a trial and knew that there was no way you could understand what they were going through?  Because you had never experienced what they had experienced, you could never say “I understand.”

“I'm sorry” feels so weak during those times.

During this time of my illness, there have been times when the help or encouragement people tried to offer was actually one of the least helpful or encouraging things they could have said or done.  When that happens I try to look beyond what was said or done and understand the sentiment behind it.  I choose to be grateful for their good intentions and for the fact that someone loves me enough to try to help, even when they don't understand what I need.  And I never want to scare people off from continuing to try by making them feel like they did something wrong.

In these days leading up to Mother's Day, there are articles going up across the blogosphere that are meant to be an encouragement to those who are dealing with infertility, who have experienced a miscarriage or the loss of a child, who have lost their own mothers, or who have a less-than-desirable relationship with their mother or children.

I don't understand those things.  I have never experienced the heartache of infertility.  I have a great relationship with my children and with my mother who is still living.  And although I did experience a miscarriage, that was a long time ago, and the hurt is all but healed.  Perhaps God will give me the grace to share that story at some point.

But the fact of the matter is, I can't put my arm around you and say, “I understand.”

But when I think of you – some my dear friends, some only acquaintances, some whom I've never met – the tears well up in my eyes as I try to at least imagine how you must feel.

Can I let you in on the thought processes of someone who doesn't know firsthand how you feel, but who still loves you and wants to help?

• First, know that I pray for you.  Whenever you come to mind, I ask God to give you the strength and grace that you need.  Although I don't know how you feel, He does, and I go to Him regularly on your behalf.
• It's hard to know what to say and what not to say.  It's really none of my business why you don't have any kids or what's going on between you and your teenager.   I assume you don't want every random person poking into your business, and who am I to think that I am the exception?  So unless you offer me the information, I'm not going to ask.  The reason I don't ask because is not because I don't care; I don't ask because I don't want to make things harder on you than they already are.
• If I know your situation, and I offer information, it's because I truly care about your well-being.  I am often torn because I don't want to withhold information that I know could be of help to someone, but with my health issues I know what it's like to receive advice from everybody.  (Which is why I was torn when it came to letting you know about the fertility bundle.  It's not meant to be a slap in the face or to make you feel as if you haven't been smart enough to find the right information on your own.  But at the same time I understand that some people are still searching and praying for God to lead them, and I don't want to withhold the information if it does happen to be what you've been looking for.)
• I really hope that you look past what I said or did that wasn't exactly what you needed.  I really want you to  see my heart for you and that even if I didn't get it right, it was still meant to show you my love.

So, as someone who can't honestly say “I understand” when it comes to these things, here is the best advice I can give to those who want to help others who are hurting.  I really want those who are in the hurting category to comment and let me know what about this list is right, what needs to be changed, and what needs to be added, okay?  Please feel free to comment anonymously if you'd like.

• Pray for those you know are hurting.
• Don't pry, but let them know you are praying for them.  Perhaps it just needs to be a note, email, or just in conversation saying, “I don't know all that you're going through, but I just want to let you know I'm praying for you.”  They may decide to share more details when you do something to let them know you care, or they may choose not to.  Don't make your point to be finding out their business; just genuinely care about them.
• Don't give them information they haven't asked for unless God has clearly directed the conversation in that way.  Most likely, they have already spent hours researching the issues with which they are dealing.  If God does lead you to share information and resources, explain clearly that it's okay if they aren't interested.  Just let them know what you have to offer and let them decide if they want to pursue it further or not.
• Acknowledge their value as a person.  Let them know how much they mean to you and why.  A person doesn't have to be a perfect mother or child, or even be a mother at all, to have value, purpose, and influence.

Please.  I sincerely ask you.  Won't you please help the rest of us who can't say “I understand”?  Won't you let us know how we can help you?  Let us know what you're thinking and feeling, what we should say or do and what we should not say or do.  You have so many people who love you, but it may not feel that way just because we don't know how best to show you.

As I said before, please feel free to leave your comments anonymously if you'd like.  (You can just type in “anonymous” as your name.  Your email will not be visible on your comment.)