Surviving Life with Kids When Your Husband Isn’t Around

A few days ago, I sent an email asking moms how they survive the long days when their husband isn't around.

We had a weekend where daddy was away, and it was hard!  I was mentally high-fiving all the women who solo parent on a regular basis, whether it's because their husband is on deployment or because they're a single mom, or because their husband is away often for work.

I asked all of my readers who experience regular seasons of solo parenting for their best advice so I could share it with you!

In a nutshell, I took away 3 main pieces of advice:

1. Have a routine.

   “Making a schedule was the best thing I could do. Whether he is home or not, we stick to our schedule and that keeps our children less apt to act out because they know what to expect.”

   Almost everyone who wrote in said that their lifesaver was to have a routine that works for them.  Keeping a household routine ensures that everything runs as smoothly as possible, which is a must when daddy is not there to rescue you!

2. Break the routine.

   Huh?  I know, I know.  I just said that everyone was saying to stay on a routine.  But, for those mamas who are blessed to have husbands who rarely have to be gone, this one was the best solution.

   Because it is out of the norm for daddy to have to be away, staying on the regular routine is hard for kids.  Everyone gets a little grouchy because they're missing having dad around.  Putting their attention on something different and fun keeps their mind off the fact that dad is gone.  For instance, one reader said:

   “Sometimes he does have to work on the weekends, and sometimes he has long shifts and has a long commute. We try on those days to do things that we might not do when dad's around, such as play games (he doesn't really do boardgames and stuff), or we'll work on cleaning house or other projects to keep us busy, or maybe watch a movie to kill some time. I know he isn't gone long term, but these are things that we do. Also, one thing the kids love is to plan something special for when dad does get home, such as a special meal or other simple surprise.”

   I have found this one to be the case at our house.  Fun and different activities to keep everyone busy are the key!

3.  Make time for yourself.

   I was surprised at how often this answer came up, but it makes sense! Especially if you are solo parenting on a long term basis, it would be very easy to get worn down!  Making self-care a priority is a must if you want to keep your sanity.  (Here are 13 Free Ways to Take Care of You!)

   A couple different readers said that they sometimes put the kids to bed a little early and invite a friend or two over for some snacks and adult conversation. Great idea!

Any other ideas that you would add to this list?  Let's all pitch in to help struggling mamas not just survive, but to thrive in the hard days of solo parenting!

3 Mistakes Homeschooling Parents Make When Teaching Handwriting

Handwriting is an essential part of what our children need to learn.  They'll be writing every single day of their lives, and it's up to us to help them develop handwriting skills to make this essential life skill easier for them!

Many times I have seen homeschooled children struggle with handwriting.  I have seen a lot of homeschoolers with very messy handwriting.  There are plenty of children in “regular” schools with messy handwriting too, but here are some of the mistakes that seem to be specific to homeschooling families when it comes to teaching handwriting:

I have moved all of my homeschooling posts to christianhomeschoolfamily.com. You can go here to read this post at the new site.”

The Incredible Power of a Soft Answer

We were practicing our daily memory verse when things started to fall apart.  My son decided he wasn't interested in focusing on school work any more and I was trying to help him wake up his brain a little bit.

“Stand up straight and look at me,” I said quietly and gently.

“I am standing up straight!” he whined.  Small tears of frustration appeared at the corners of his eyes.

“No.  You're leaning on the wall.” I continued on softly.  “I need you to stand up all the way and look right at me — hey, where are you going now?”  I continued speaking softly and gently.

“I just want to sit down!  Why can't I just sit down?!”

Our discussion continued on this way for a few more minutes.  I gently explained what I needed from my son and why, as he bristled against being told what to do.

“Son, did you know that mommy doesn't tell you things just because I feel like bossing you around?  I know what it feels like to want to do exactly the opposite of what your mom tells you.  I felt exactly that way sometimes when I was a kid.  But can you trust that I'm telling you things for a specific reason and not just because I enjoy bossing you around?  If you won't make things into a big deal, I promise I won't make them into a big deal either.  Okay?”

A small smile began to form around the edges of his mouth.  His posture began to relax.  This time when I asked him to stand up straight and look at me, he did.

We finished the rest of school day without another problem.

Now, I'm not telling you this story to make myself sound like a perfect mother — because I'm not even close.  I mess up more times in a day than I'd like to admit.

But this was one of those, “Why don't I handle things like this more often?” moments.

See, here's the verse that came to my mind when the situation arose: “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

My child was already bristling against what I was telling him to do.  Now, most times I would have bristled right back at him.  I would have gotten frustrated that he was turning a simple command into something far more than it needed to be, and I would have shown that frustration in my voice inflection and body language.   Even if I weren't actually speaking loudly in volume, my tone of voice and my stiffened posture would not be “a soft answer.”  And it would be the worst thing I could do in that situation because my lack of a soft answer would not help my child feel any more willing to do what he was told.  It would make him even more defensive than he already was.

I realized in that moment that too often I let my child dictate the terms of each confrontation that arises between us.  Just because he is being headstrong and childish does not mean that I need to respond with the same attitude.  Doing so will only turn into a clash of wills and an ordeal that really ought not be an ordeal at all.

Why should I let my child call the shots?  Why do I let his attitude determine what mine will be?

I realized the incredible power of a soft answer that day.

I also remembered another verse my husband and I had just discussed the night before:

“How forcible are right words! but what doth your arguing reprove?” (Job 6:25)

Job was responding to his friends' false accusations against him, and the point I gathered was basically this:

Right words spoken in the right way are extremely powerful.  But argumentative words, or even true words spoken in an argumentative way are not going to get you anywhere with the person to whom you are speaking.

I took away a pretty powerful lesson after our little incident:

I need to choose the right words and I need to speak them in the right way.

Doing this is going to have far more power than the most forcible words and tone of voice I can muster.

No more do I need to allow my children to dictate the tone of a confrontation.  It's really hard for them to bristle against someone who is speaking softly and gently.  If I'm feeling too riled up inside, I need to step away until I'm ready to continue the conversation with a soft answer.  If I let grievous words slip out of my mouth, the Bible says those words are going to stir up anger.

Provoking my child to wrath is something I know I shouldn't be doing as a parent, and I wouldn't purposely do it.  But it never occurred to me that something as simple as using an irritated tone of voice could be doing just that.

I'm excited to see how intentionally using a soft answer will change the way I deal with my children — and change the way they respond!

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5 Reasons We’re Learning About Great Missionaries in our Homeschool

We have a two-fold goal in our homeschool:

First, to teach our children Godly character and second, to equip them with the academic skills they need for life.

Using studies of great missionaries is a great way to help meet both of those goals!

When we read missionary biographies and do more in-depth studies on those missionaries, there are 5 (at least) things that are happening with our children:

I have moved all of my homeschooling posts to christianhomeschoolfamily.com.

You can go here to read this post at the new site.

10 Ways to Turn Around a Bad Day

“I really need you to get your room clean,” I say with all the patience I can muster.  “We've been up for 2 hours and none of us even have our beds made yet.  If you would quit arguing with your brother about whose stuff is out and just get to work we could get a lot more done around here.”

Crash!  “Wahhhh!!!!”

“Oh no; what was that?!”

Someone was standing on a kitchen chair, trying to come up with a snack for themselves.  Now we've got a jar of spilled coconut oil dripping all over the floor along with a crying toddler who slipped and fell in it.

“Okay.  Breathe.  It's no big deal.  It's just life.  Let me just go to the bathroom real quick so I can think and then I'll get this cleaned up.”

“Seriously?!  The toilet is clogged!  Somebody put a whole roll of toilet paper in here!”

“Okay.  Okay.  I've really got to get the baby's diaper changed before I do anything else.  She's been waiting  too long already.”

“Mom!  I'm hungry!” “Don't go in the kitchen!  There's still oil on the floor!”

And on and on it goes!

This is not an actual day's events, but it is a 100% accurate representation of some of the days we have at our house.

“Unbelievable.”  I've told my husband many times.  “You would not even believe it if I told you how today went.”

Can you relate?

Do you have days when kids are bickering, babies are crying, and messes are being created faster than you can clean them up?

Do you ever feel like you're are doing your dead-level best to hold it together, but it seems like the whole world is in a conspiracy to send you over the edge?

Do you feel like the harder you try to get back on track, the worse the day seems to go?

Frustrated would be a very mild description of how I'm feeling on those days.

What I've found is that sometimes the best answer is just to completely re-organize my day.  The attitude of both my children and myself can sometimes be an indicator that we all just need to take a break.

So when I just can't seem to get those kids cleaning their rooms or keep them from getting into mischief every time I turn my back, I try one (or all!) of the following:

1. Turn on the music

Soothing music works wonders for helping bad attitudes.  It's helps me calm down when I'm frazzled, and it helps the kids calm down too.

2. Go Outside

Sometimes we all just need a change of scenery.  When the kids get too much energy inside and they start letting it out in not-so-good ways, take 'em outside and let 'em run!

3. Laugh

The Bible says “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine”.  So when everyone is out of sorts, create some intentional laughter!  Tell a joke, watch a funny video, or get everyone to do their best monkey impression.

4. Create a haven

As much as we'd all like to have a perfectly clean house all the time, that's simply not reality.  But if you or your children are the type that start to feel uptight when things are disorderly, a haven can help you breathe and calm down.  Have one area of your house that you keep clean no matter what and go there when you're feeling frazzled and out of sorts.  (Mine is the master bedroom.)

5. Snuggle up with a book

Sometimes your children just want you.  When they're being ornery, try gathering up everyone on the bed and reading out loud to them.  It just might be exactly what they need.

6. Eat a snack

Is it possible people are in a bad mood because they're hungry?  Feed everyone a high protein snack and see if they feel a little better.

7. Intentional gratitude

Sometimes we feel grumpy just because we're focused on the wrong things.  Instead of counting our blessings, we're counting all the things that we don't like.  Make it a point to stop and name 3 blessings to intentionally put your mind in the right place.

8.  Intentional loving words

A lot of times children are acting out because they want some attention.  Stop and say some loving words and extend some hugs or tickles.  It's better to give positive attention to let children know they are loved than to give negative attention through punishment.

9. Get everyone on the same team

Instead of you being the boss and trying to get your children to take orders, think of ways to help them understand that you are a team.  Sometimes I will set the kitchen timer and say “Hey kids!  It's us against the timer!  Let's see if we can all the dishes cleared and put in the dishwasher before the timer goes off.  If we win, we all get a chocolate candy!”

10. Let go of expectations

When you can tell it's one of “those days”, you need to be willing to drop your big plans.  You'll enjoy your day a lot more if you just drop everything and go outside with the kids than if you keep trying to pull the day together. Just give it up and you'll be a lot less stressed.

What do you think?  Have you used any of these strategies in the past to successfully turn around a bad day?  Do you have any other tricks up your sleeve that weren't mentioned here?

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A Child Left to Himself

Do you know what the rest of that verse says, sweet mama?

…a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.  (Proverbs 29:15)

I've always had the idea that this would be a child who rebelled in his teen years or as a young adult — a child who chooses the wrong friends and gets into very obviously shameful things like drugs or immorality. I'm sure those scenarios are a big part of what that verse is talking about. When you don't intentionally train your children to do right you will have a lot of heartache when they are older.

But I'm learning that this verse very much applies to the little years too.

If you are distracted, your child will find all manner of ways to bring you to shame. Not only can they destroy your clean house in a matter of minutes, they can in turn wreak havoc on your disposition and you will end up ashamed at the way you reacted to their childish antics.

Although I am aware that young children need constant (and I mean constant!) supervision, I am definitely not perfect. I have improved greatly in this area of motherhood, but I gave into the temptation of distraction this morning.

I was in the middle of some computer work when the kids started getting up. I wanted to get to a good stopping place and they were quietly eating breakfast so I stayed at the computer and tried to finish up.

The problem was that one of my children wasn't actually eating his usual, approved breakfast of fruit and yogurt.

He was making himself a protein shake complete with milk, protein powder, cheese, and apple butter.  (What in the world?)

And it was a mess.

When I discovered his breakfast I admit I was not exactly happy.

I could feel myself getting worked up, so I sent us both to our rooms before I said something I would regret.

I wanted time to calm down before I dealt with the issue because I knew I would not think rationally if I dealt with it at that moment.

My feelings were a mix of irritation that he would mess with ingredients he knows he shouldn't and frustration at myself for allowing this to happen at all.

Although he was at fault since he knew he wasn't even allowed in the pantry, I was at fault as well for being a distracted mom.

And it brought me to shame.  

I was ashamed because it shouldn't have happened.  I was ashamed because I did not react with the gentleness that my children need.

So what's a mom to do when her children left to themselves bring their mother to shame?

I see that we have 3 choices in that instance, and only one of them is the right one.

1. We can feel guilty.

But here's the thing.  Sometimes these incidents should have been avoided.  Clear instructions have been given and the child did not follow them.  As mothers, we can't micromanage every area of our child's life. They will never learn personal responsibility that way and we will drive ourselves crazy too.
And if the child's antics should have been avoided had we not been distracted, what good is beating ourselves up about it going to do (other than make our already sour mood even darker?)

2. We can blame the child.

He's been told what to do/what not to do and he didn't do it!
Yes mama, that's true.  But he's a child.  He messes up.  He forgets.  He willfully disobeys.  (Hmm…that sounds a lot like us adults, doesn't it?  Why are we surprised when our children mess up too?)
So maybe your child disobeyed and it created a big mess.  That simply means it's time for some more teaching and training and maybe some rational discipline.  Stewing over how disobedient your child is only makes you feel angry at him, and it definitely doesn't fix the problem.

3. We can use it as a wake up call.

This is where you use that “mom guilt” for good.  Sometimes when we feel guilty, it's because we know we really did mess things up.  (When you're done with this post, go back and read this post.)

But instead of pouting about what a failure we are, we should simply get up and change what needs to be changed.

{Listen to me, I completely understand that your kids will sometimes get into mischief even when you're being the most diligent, undistracted mom in the world.  (A mom's gotta use the bathroom sometime, right?  And kids are super fast!)  This is not about making you feel like it's your fault every single time your child makes a mess.  I hope I've made that clear enough by what I've already said.}

But I want to share some practical tips for trying to avoid those situations as much as possible.  (Because…let's be honest…having Sharpie drawings all over the couch never puts you in a good mood.)

Keep small children with you all day.

When children are very young, they are explorers.  Everything is a new adventure to them.  They are not trying to be destructive, but they are.  They see how pretty the crayon looks on the paper; they just have to find out what it looks like on the wall.  And if you're out of the room that's exactly what they will do.  You're going to have to make sure they stay in your sight all day long or something unfortunate is going to happen.

Give older children limited time away from your eyes, gradually adding more as they mature.

The older children get, the more they learn what is appropriate and what is not.  But that doesn't stop them from being curious.  (And sometimes the things they are curious about are very…um…surprising.  I could tell you some stories.)  So when they are in their room alone for quiet time, make sure you have…

…constant awareness of where they are and what they're doing.

You really do have to have eyes in the back of your head! Some moms are better at this than others, but we can all get better with practice.  We have to make it a habit to be constantly checking on them.

Make sure they know where they're supposed to be and what they're supposed to be doing.

If you've got a phone call to make, don't just shut your door and hope for the best.  Make a plan ahead of time.  Get toddlers and preschoolers set up with an independent activity that will keep them occupied productively.  Give your older children a specific place to be with a specific thing to do.  I prefer to put them in a room with a door that shuts and tell them they may not come out until I come get them when I'm done on the phone.

Keep obviously damaging or dangerous objects inaccessible to them.

I know, I know.  Toddlers will still find a way to climb to the highest shelf to find the scissors.  But you should at least try.  At our house markers, scissors, and other craft supplies stay in a locked cabinet.  It's not a pretty sight if they have free access to them.  Things that could be dangerous (like medicine) are also in a locked cabinet.

Don't let them get bored.

Children don't like to be bored, so they will get…um…very…creative.  (Again, I could tell you stories.)

If they're wandering around aimlessly, it's time to check and make sure all their chores are done.  If their work is done and you are going to let them have free time, they should be able to tell you specifically what they are going to do.  “Play” can mean a lot of things to a child, but “color a picture”, “read a book”, or “play dress up” are much more definitive and will keep them from exercising their “creative” skills so much.  (I'm not bashing creativity, by the way.  It just needs to be channeled into something more like making a fort than decorating their walls with blueberry juice. — Like I said, I can tell you stories. 🙂 )

So there you have it, mama – the how and why of being un-distracted and vigilant when it comes to mothering your children.

Let's work to create the good habit of awareness even amongst the work we have to get done so that our children are not left to themselves.