5 Essential Self-Control Strategies for Parents

You will never be a gentle parent if you have not learned the discipline of self-control.  All parents are going to feel angry from time to time.  It is not a sin to feel angry.  But what you do with that anger is the difference between being a Godly parent or whether you are parenting in the flesh.

Since you already know that the temptation to react improperly (yell, huff and puff, give unreasonable consequences simply because you feel angry) will arise from time to time, you would be wise to proactively put some strategies in place to help you keep your temper under control.

(Romans 13:14 “But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.”)

I'm listing 5 ideas for you here, and we'll also explore some of these a little more in-depth in the next few days of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

1. Speak truth to yourself.

You must fill your mind with the truth of God's Word.  Your actions will never change until your thinking is changed.

(Romans 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.“)

2. Pray

As soon as you feel the frustration arising, you ought to begin to pray.  You cannot control yourself.  Self-control is actually allowing yourself to be controlled by the Holy Spirit.  Pray and yield yourself to him, asking for the strength to control yourself even though you feel angry.

3. Deep breathing

Deep, steady breaths will help slow down your heart rate and calm your nerves.  You need to calm your body down or the pressure may cause you to explode at your children.

4. Listen to music

Soft, soothing music will also help to slow down your heart rate and calm your nerves.  Also, if you are listening to music that is filled with truths from God's Word, you are doubling up 2 strategies in one!

5. Remove yourself from the situation

It's pretty much impossible to feel calm when you're standing in the middle of a big mess your child has made.  Don't say a word until you have left “the crime scene” or you might say something you don't really mean.

(Proverbs 29:11 “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.”)

Don't wait until you feel angry to figure out how to react because you can pretty much be assured that it won't be the right way.  Make your plans ahead of time so you won't be taken by surprise.  You'll be glad you did.

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

3 Practical Places to Find Balance as a Christian Parent

A sad observation I have made is that most parents tend to fall out of balance in one direction or another.  (And I'm definitely including myself in that observation.)  Balance is something we all need to strive for as parents.  Either we aim for gentleness and end up being too permissive or else we fear being too permissive and unintentionally end up as too harsh.

But we cannot concentrate so much on one side of the spectrum that we completely neglect the other.

We must constantly be praying and asking God to show us where we are too far from the center.

Parenting with gentleness need not be our exclusive focus.  But neither should “laying down the law”.

A balanced middle ground out to be what we are aiming for.

And if we are truly seeking it and asking for God's wisdom to find it, I believe he will answer and make the way plain for us.

James 1:5  ^“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

Here are some specific places to search for wisdom:

1. The Bible

I mentioned in yesterday's post that a great study for parents would be to pick up a concordance and search out words such as “child”, “children”, “mother”, etc. and see what scripture has to say specifically regarding the parent-child relationship.  There is no greater place to find God's wisdom than in his revealed Word.

2. Books about parenting that are based on the Bible

Sometimes you will find that an author has a different perspective than you do or that they can offer ideas you've never thought of.  If the book is scripturally based, I think that gaining insight from Godly authors is a wise idea. You can find a list of my favorite Biblical parenting books right here.

3. Others who know you and your children

Don't be too proud to go to someone you look up to as a parent and ask them for advice.  This could be anyone – grandparents, grown siblings, pastor or deacons, or any other Christian parents you know.  If they have a lot of opportunities to interact with your family, that's even better because they may be able to see things about your parenting that you can't see from your perspective.  It's a humbling thing to listen to someone else's perception of your parenting, whether you've asked or (especially if) it comes as unsolicited advice.  But it is wise to listen and consider whether what they're saying is truly an area where you're out of balance as a parent.  The Bible has a lot to say about the positive results of humility, and that certainly applies to our parenting as well.

James 4:6 “…God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.”

Proverbs 22:4 “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches, and honour, and life.”

James 4:10 “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.”

Be willing to humble yourself before the Lord –  seek his wisdom and acknowledge the areas where you fall short. You will find that He surely will answer your request to learn how to become more balanced in your parenting.

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

The First Step to Becoming the Parent God Wants You to Be

As we begin our series on Parenting with Gentleness, we must establish right away what the basis of our study is.

I can tell you all day long how to parent your children, but all I would be doing is offering my own opinions.

Instead we must turn to the wisdom of the Bible.

Not only does God's Word establish our authority over our children, but we must allow the Bible to have authority over our own actions.

We can't pick and choose which parts of the Bible are worth obeying.  We can teach our children that God says to “obey your parents”, but that's quite hypocritical if we're not willing to obey God's word ourselves, especially as it relates to our relationship with our children.

Parenting is about so much more than simply teaching our children to obey us.

Parenting is about teaching our children to obey God.  And there is no better way to do that than through our example.

So what are some of the things the Bible teaches us in regard to parenting?

Well, most of us are probably familiar with the common verses that talk about the parent-child relationship, such as:

Proverbs 22:6  Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

and

Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your children in the Lord, for this is right.

If you're not familiar with what Scripture has to say about parents and children, (and even if you are!) I encourage you to do your own study about what God specifically teaches regarding parents and children.  Set aside the parenting books for now, and just look solely to scripture and let God speak to your heart about his plan for your relationship to your child.  Grab a concordance and look up words such as “children”, “child”, “mother”, etc. and you will find enough material to keep you busy for a good while.

But, for the purpose of this particular series, I want to move away for the most part from the typical parent-child verses and turn our attention to the remainder of Scripture.

You see, if we think about the first couple of verses that come to mind regarding parents and children, what are they likely to be about?

Children needing to obey.  Parents needing to train their children.

Am I right?

Those are Biblical concepts, and we certainly have a responsibility to train our children and our children have a responsibility to obey their parents.

However, if we focus entirely on turning out obedient children, we are overlooking a great deal of other things that Scripture has to teach us.

What about:

Ephesians 4:32  And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

OR

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

Are we only to act with kindness toward other adults or toward children who aren't our own?  What about love or patience or gentleness?

I'm afraid that too often we say, “Yes, I need to practice kindness.  Or, “Gentleness is an area in which I should be more submissive to the Holy Spirit.” But we forget that we can and should practice those things beginning at home with our own families!

We are so focused on making sure our children obey that we forget that the rest of Scripture ought to have the authority over our interactions with them as well.

So today, parents, I ask you – is the Word of God truly your authority in how you parent your children?  Do you seek out all of what it says and not just the well-known parts about teaching children to obey?

Biblical authority must be the first step in the journey to becoming the parents God wants us to be.

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

31 Days of Parenting with Gentleness

I am so exited about this 31 Day Series on Parenting with Gentleness!

UPDATE: This series has ended. Please join my email list to keep up with my latest posts on parenting and homemaking, plus receive access to my library of free printables.

This topic has been on my heart because, while I want to be a Godly mother, I have such a long way to go!

My tendency is to err on the side of being too strict, but when I read books or articles about what is typically called “Grace Based Parenting”, I often come away with the impression that all is grace and there is no room for reasonable consequences.

My goal is to find a balanced middle ground – not harsh, law-based parenting, but not permissive, “whatever-goes-because-we-all-mess-up” parenting either.

My desire is to parent with gentleness, whether that means I am extending mercy or whether I find it necessary to mete out appropriate consequences.

Join me for the next 31 days as we discuss what it means to parent with gentleness, why we should do so, and as we explore some practical ideas for becoming more gentle with our children.