To the Mama Who Feels Like a Failure
Guest post by Laura Carnes
To the Mama Who Feels Like a Failure,
I guess I never felt like a failure growing up. My parents were amazingly supportive and encouraging. I made good grades and always felt school was pretty easy. (Well, there was that one quiz in Geometry, but let’s not talk about that). All went well, until I got married and had children. Great heavens, that was the beginning of what felt like a horrid down-hill spiral of FAILURE!
I forgot everything, never could remember where I put the diaper bag, much less if I put wipes and diapers in it. All those lovely stories about “knowing your child’s cry” and having this amazing “bond’ with your child just seemed to mock my inabilities even more. I remember many times looking down into the adorable albeit dirty faces of my beloved children and thinking “I have no clue what I am doing. I don’t think I understand a word they are saying or vice versa”. I finally came to the conclusion that motherhood definitely does NOT highlight my best skills AT ALL. Truth be told I realized that I FELT like a BIG FAT FAILURE!
I messed up altogether too often.
I yelled, actually yelled, at my kids. I can’t remember my Mama ever yelling at me and my sisters.
My house was never FULLY clean and my kids ate –brace yourselves- CANDY! We even ate cereal for supper sometimes. And heaven forbid, they get sick and need a prescription.Like I was going to remember the dosage for 10 straight days. Forget about it!
The horror of it all was starting to weigh on me. I was (and sometimes still am,) tired, overwhelmed, and yes, a bit emotionally unstable! At some point you finally have to admit what is going on in your home and face it.
And there it is- GUILT. Big, ugly, you aren’t good enough and never will be- guilt!
Then, I realized- I really can’t be a good mother on my own and furthermore I think God agrees with me!
Isn’t that the point? I have come to the conclusion that every circumstance and life situation God puts us in to further our dependence on Him and remind us of our deep abiding need to allow Him to be for us what we can not be on our own. (Click to tweet that!)
That includes Motherhood!
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he shall bring it to pass.”
There it is in plain black and white. I was trying my hardest to understand, and remember, and stay awake, and etc. etc.
God’s desire is for us to trust. Rest in Him and the ability only he can give.
John 3:3 “He must increase but I must decrease.”
Was I doing all this to be big in my kids eyes or to show them how BIG my God is?! (Click to tweet.)
Practically though, the Lord taught me a few lessons (and still is) about what to do when I fail my family:
1. It is not only okay to ask your children’s forgiveness when you mess up, it is actually GOOD for them to see you apologize and admit when you have failed. Be real with your kids, because honestly, they usually already know that you messed up. We tell them to be honest with us, then proceed to try and hide our own failings. They not only know, but tend to resent the inconsistency. Admit you were wrong and ask for forgiveness. Model the right way to handle your sin and be a good example of working through your mistakes. They need to learn that from someone that loves them.
2. It is not wrong to ask for help. I repeat, it is not wrong to ask for help. I have found that when I really communicate my needs to my husband, he makes a concerted effort to step up to the plate. He often just doesn’t realize that I need help or if he does, is not sure what specifically I need. Men appreciate specifics! Well, mine does and I am sure I am not alone. Which brings me to:
3. YOU are not the first mama to feel this way! You are not alone. I am sure that not all Mamas feel this way…well, at least not everyday. And neither will you! It is just that – a feeling! My parents were constantly reminding us that “Feelings should not determine actions.” (Tweet) Just because you feel like a failure doesn’t mean you are. Take a step back, a deep breath and then keep moving forward.
I recently have taken up running as exercise and- well let’s just admit it- time for my sanity. The principle of endurance has been reinforced everyday in my sweat and tears. The only way to reach your goal is to keep moving even when you want to quit. The only true failure is quitting. (Tweet) If you are still trying, and learning, and growing, and making mistakes, and doing better the next time, then you are not a failure, my friend. You are a human!
Parenting may not highlight my best features, but it certainly reveals what needs my focus- dependence on the GOD who is the GREAT I AM when I am nothing.
Philippians 4:13 states, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me!”
Isn’t that good to know? Because right now I need to go. My kids are calling!
Love,
A mama who's been there
P.S. Don’t wish the years away! The days are long, but the years are short.
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Loving the Little People (Imperfect Homemaking Challenge)
The little people.
Oh, how I love mine!
But they require so much work, don't they?
I often become so consumed with all the things I need to do for them — feeding little bellies, changing little diapers, homeschooling, washing clothes — that I don't find make the time to just enjoy playing with them.
I've actually scheduled outside time into our daily schedule, and it's sort of a blessing in disguise that we live on a main road with no fence where the kids absolutely cannot go outside by themselves. There would be many times it would be nice to send them outside to play while I catch up on laundry, but instead I'm forced to go out with them. And I get to play with my kids! I get to be free from the distractions of housework and just focus on kicking a soccer ball, pushing little bodies on the swingset, and listening to their gleeful laugh when they find a caterpillar (or in the case of my oldest, trying to scare mom with it!)
Sure, I've seen lots of clever ideas for family playtime, blog posts on “How to be a fun mom”, and the like, but we imperfect homemakers sometimes do crazy things like searching for the perfect idea and never actually do anything! Instead of collecting ideas, just do something! Maybe you don't end up building a cardboard tunnel for your kids today, but you can get on the floor and join in while your daughter plays tea party with her dolls or race those matchbox cars across the floor with your son.
Today's Challenge: Play with your kids! Just do something! They won't care that it's not the most clever idea in the world; they just want you to spend time with them!
Instagram challenge: Post a picture of what you did to spend time with your kids today. Use the hashtag #imperfecthomemaker to encourage other members of this community! (Follow me here.)
If you’re just joining the 31 Days of Imperfect Homemaking series, you can see all the posts here.
Teaching Our Children About Broken Fellowship
Guest post by contributor Andrea
Last year when I was struggling as a mother of four kids under the age of four (including newborn twins), a dear friend gave me a book called “Loving the Little Years” by Rachel Jankovic. That little book has been read several times now, as well as the sequel, “Fit to Burst”. I love these books because they are short, and the chapters are short. They are random thoughts on motherhood in no particular order. I could usually finish a chapter while nursing the babies. It is chock full of humor, practical suggestions, encouragement, and lessons on motherhood – specifically in mothering little people.
Perhaps one of the reasons I “connected” with the author so well is that our children fall into the same birth order, two toddlers, then twins (and now she has two other children). So many times I wondered if Rachel had been sitting in my living room watching me mother my children, and then gone home to write a chapter about it!
One of the biggest things I took away from this book was how to teach my children to restore fellowship. I’m sure you’ve been there – the kids are fighting over that same toy, again. One child gets mad and hits his sister, while the sister spouts off unkind names to her brother. And there you are, trying to figure out who had the toy first, who did what, and who gets the discipline.
I am always frustrated when this breaks out in our home! {And it happens quite often…just saying.} But now I approach my teaching and discipline from a different perspective. Instead of dealing with who had the toy first, we talk instead about broken fellowship. You see, my children had both decided that the toy was more important than the fellowship with their sibling. They assigned more value to the item that to the relationship. They don’t realize they are doing that, but it provides a great opportunity to counsel them about sin and relationships.
We now go through questions something like this:
What is more important, your brother, or that toy?
What did you act like was the most important?
What should we do to show your brother he is most important?
How can you restore the fellowship?
It takes several counseling sessions to help your children understand the concept of fellowship. You want them to understand that relationships (people) are more important than things. If the rift in the fellowship is really bad, I do take away the toy. I explain that it would be better to throw the toy away than to have it in our house if we are going to break fellowship because of it. And when push comes to shove, the kids usually find a way to share the toy rather than have it thrown in the garbage.
To restore fellowship, the kids need to say something like, “I’m sorry I wasn’t kind and I broke fellowship with you. Will you please forgive me?” Then they hug, and make-up.
This has not only been very helpful in solving fights, but it is also a valuable opportunity to teach them about the Gospel. Every one of us is born into broken fellowship with God. The only way to restore fellowship is to ask Him to forgive our sins through the blood of Jesus, and to come into our life and be our Savior. Even as Christians, we experience broken fellowship with our Lord on a daily basis every time we sin. But the fellowship is easy to restore when we ask for forgiveness.
Every time my children my children experience broken fellowship with each other, I get to illustrate their broken fellowship with God. I am praying that one day soon my oldest will understand more completely and choose to accept Christ and the restored fellowship He offers.
Feed My Lambs
Our pastor just finished preaching through the book of John. I love the end of the book – chapter 21 – when Jesus meets His disciples on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. He gently restores Peter by reaffirming his call three times – the same number of times which Peter had denied Jesus during the crucifixion. Jesus states His mission for Peter – “feed my lambs” one time, and “feed my sheep” twice.
We know that Jesus was calling Peter to be a leading force in the newly formed New Testament church. The reference to lambs likely refers to new believers. Jesus wanted Peter to gently care for those who were new in the faith. “Sheep” could refer to more mature believers.
As my pastor was preaching through these verses he mentioned how lambs have to be fed more often. Sometimes the shepherd might have to get up in the night to care for these vulnerable little ones. On a recent missionary deputation trip we stayed with a family who has a hobby goat farm. One of the goats died giving birth to twin kids. The family members alternated who got up every four hours during the night to give the goats a bottle of milk.
My mind wandered to mothers of newborns and young babies. We get up in the night to meet the physical needs of our children by nursing them or giving them a bottle. We comfort them when they are sick, hold them when they are teething, and soothe them after a bad dream. We don’t tell them to feed themselves or to go back to sleep – we deal gently with them, even though we are weary.
Though there could be many applications from this passage, one was important to me, and I have meditated on it many times over the last couple of weeks. As mothers, we have an important role to take care of the physical needs of our young children. Sometimes we feel alone, home-bound, weary, lost in the monotony of routine tasks, and even unimportant, unaccomplished, and unappreciated. But our efforts are not lost to the Savior. He recognized that those who are young or immature need more care.
Yet our responsibility to feed our young children extends far beyond the tasks of meals, laundry, cleaning the home, etc. As Christian parents we are responsible to spiritually feed our children. They should hear the Word of God from our lips, and they should see it lived out in our daily choices. It is not the Sunday School teacher’s job to teach our children the truths of God’s Word. Their ministry is reinforcing what our children should be learning at home…from us.
We “feed the lambs” by teaching them God’s Word, living God’s Word, explaining God’s Word, helping them memorize God’s Word, and applying God’s Word to everyday situations in the lives of our children. We feed the lambs when we pray for our children, and refuse to let the enemy get a stronghold in their lives.
Sometimes I get tired of going through the same lecture, the same discipline, the same scenario with my little ones. Are they bickering over that toy AGAIN? Did he just hit his sister AGAIN? I want to say, “I shouldn’t have to tell you this again!” But just as there are times physically when I don’t think I can squeeze another ounce of energy out to pry myself out of bed and nurse the baby, so there are times spiritually when I don’t think I have the strength to shepherd these little lambs and their delicate hearts to the Savior. And do you know what? I don’t have the strength. I can’t do it alone. As He gives me strength to meet the physical needs of my children, so the Lord gives the wisdom and the strength to go over that lesson on kindness with my children one more time.
We just started homeschooling for kindergarten last week, and I am very weary. It seems like things are grating on my nerves more quickly than normal. Each task seems to take more energy that I have. But I have been encouraged from this passage to continue on feeding His lambs. He has entrusted four of them to me, and I don’t want to fail the Savior in my task.
Dear Mom: You Are Not Enough
In my internet wanderings I have seen a theme pop up occasionally on various mom blogs and websites that says the following:
“You are enough.”
While that may sound pretty, I had to ask myself if that was really true.
I'm not trying to pour cold water on what others are meaning as an encouragement to weary moms. Not at all.
However, I want to offer some encouragement that is based on Biblical truth rather than on a feel-good quote.
You see, the phrase “You are enough” sends the message that in spite of your failures and shortcomings, all your kids need is you. In the end, as long as you're doing the best you can, you're doing just fine.
But holding to the belief that “you are enough” will only bring greater discouragement when all is said and done.
What mom can really bring herself to believe these statements? “It's okay if I lose my patience with my kids. I'm doing my best so I can't worry about it. I'll try again tomorrow.” “It's okay if I don't use my time wisely. I'll do better tomorrow.” “I did a lousy job of parenting today, but I won't worry about it because my kids love me anyway.”
I don't know about you, but I don't want to spend my life believing that my best (which always ends up in failure) is good enough. Because it's not.
Rather than living life accepting failure as normal and good, mom, you can go through life victorious!
And this victory only comes when you realize that you are not enough!
Apart from Christ, you can do nothing!
You can try over and over and over again, but if you are attempting this endeavor of motherhood (and life in general!) on your own, your will fail miserably every single time.
But according to the precious promises of God, you do not have to accept failure. Through Christ you can live each day victoriously!
Consider these scriptures:
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
John 15:5 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.
I Corinthians 15:57 But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
II Corinthians 2:14 Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ.
Strength! Fruit-bearing! Victory! Triumph! That's what you find when you realize that you are not enough! Aren't those so much better than mere acceptance of your imperfect self?
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Another problem with believing that you are enough is this: what you believe and practice will be picked up by your children.
When you believe that you are enough – that you are all your children need, they will also believe exactly that. When they are hurt or disappointed they will learn that all they need to do is run to mommy and she will make everything better. How tragic for a child to grow up never learning how to run to the only One who can solve their problems!
No matter how much I love my children, there is a place in their life that I can never fill – that I was never meant to fill. That is the honored place that belongs to the Lord Jesus Christ. I want him to be my children's best friend. When my children need somewhere to run when they are hurt or disappointed, I want them to learn to run to Him – not to mom. Will I always be there with my arms open? You better believe it! But mingled with that fierce embrace will be the knowledge that I can't make it better because I am not enough. That is when I go with my child to the throne of Grace and lead him to the One who is enough!
What a precious gift to give your child — the gift of teaching him to put his trust not in an imperfect human, but in a God who will never fail him!
Mom, you are not enough. But you can have a personal relationship with the One who is enough. (If you don't know him, please read this page to find out how you can!)
If you do have a personal relationship with Christ, remember that you can live each day victoriously through His strength! You can teach your children to run to him with every hurt and difficulty. You can end each day without feeling frustrated at your failure.
Because HE is enough.
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Where to Start with Child Training When You Feel Like You’re Behind
I’ve recently had some moms ask me where to begin when their children are older but they wish they would have started training their children to obey God from birth.
They know they need to start, but aren’t quite sure how.
Teaching your child at an older age is not going to differ much from teaching a younger child.
We all need the same thing whether we’re children, teenagers, or adults, and that is the spirit of God working to change us through the power of His Word.
The salvation of your child and subsequently a life that is lived for God’s glory is the ultimate goal. The goal is not to have your child outwardly conform to your standards, but rather to be changed from the inside out. So first of all, ask yourself “Does my child claim to know Christ as his Savior?” If not, pray specifically toward that end and focus on teaching them Scripture that is directed specifically toward pointing out their sin and their need for a Savior.
If your child does know Christ as his Savior, then he has the Holy Spirit dwelling within. It should be your goal as the parent to direct your child to follow the Spirit’s promptings in his heart. If all a child learns is to follow rules, his life will be a mess when he is grown and he has no one to make any rules for him. Instead you need teach your child that God’s Word needs to be his authority. When enforcing rules at home, remind your child every time that by disobeying his parents he has actually disobeyed God’s Word.
Before we go any further, I want to be doubly sure you understand exactly what the goal is. You can’t reach a goal if you’re not 100% clear on what it is.
Read this out loud to solidify it in your own heart and mind:
My goal in training (child’s name) is the salvation of (his/her) soul and (his/her) submission to the Word of God.
Okay, now that you know exactly what the goal is let’s go over some practical steps to get there.
1. First of all, PRAY! I already mentioned that it is the Holy Spirit who must do the work in your child’s heart. You can enforce conformity to outward standards, but you can never get into your child’s heart and change his thinking and attitudes. If you want the Holy Spirit to do so, you need to ask him! You should also be praying for wisdom to know what to say as you teach your child and how to respond when a particular situation arises.
2. Know the Word of God for yourself. If your goal is for your children to be submissive to the Word of God, they first of all need to know what it says. And if you want your children to know the Word of God, you need to know it yourself. You can’t teach something you don’t know! (See also: Finding Time for God When You Can Hardly Find Time to Breathe.)
3. Build credibility. You can talk to your children until you are blue in the face, but they are not going to listen to a word you say if your life does not back up what you are saying. (Mom tells me God’s Word is the most important thing in the world, but she spends all her time on the computer? Mom tells me to speak to others kindly, but she yells at me when she’s frustrated? You get the picture.)
Not only do you build credibility by how you live, but you also build credibility by being consistent in your discipline. If you’ve told your children they may not touch a particular item in the house, but you see them playing with it one day and ignore it because it’s “too inconvenient” to deal with at the time, they are going to pick up very quickly that obedience isn’t really as important as you say. If you tell your child to clean his room and he doesn’t do it until the second or third time (when you’ve finally yelled loud enough), he is going to learn that he doesn’t really have to obey right away.
Now what if you have made mistakes in the past and haven’t been consistent about disciplining your child every time he disobeys or doesn’t obey the first time he’s told?
If your child is old enough to realize those things, he is old enough for you to sit down with him and give him an honest heart-to-heart talk about where you’ve failed him as a parent. Explain to him that you haven’t taught him how important it is to obey you (and ultimately God), but that starting from this moment on, you will be making the importance of obedience clear to him by administering appropriate consequences when he disobeys.
Seeing mom or dad admit mistakes is not going to destroy your credibility; it will actually help your child realize that his parents aren’t trying to pretend to be perfect. (He already knows you’re not perfect, so seeing you try to act like you are only shows him that you are a liar and a hypocrite – not exactly character traits you are wanting to exemplify.) Once you've talked with your child and told him what to expect — do it! Follow through, or you will destroy the credibility you're trying to build before you ever get started!
4. Show your children how much you love and care about them. “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care” may seem like a trite statement, but yet it is true. Do you want your children to listen when you try to correct and instruct them? They won't want to hear it unless you have shown them that you care about them as a person. Spend time with them. Listen to them. Get to know them. We'll cover some practical ways to do that another time. We'll also cover some ideas for specific scriptures that are good to teach your children, but for now just teach them something!
Since this post is getting long, I'll try to sum it all up in four words.
Where do you start when you feel like you're behind with child training?
Start where you are.
Today.
Not in a week after you've come up with a detailed plan. Not after you've lamented over the years you've lost. Right now.
Go forward and don't look back.
Love and prayers for you and your children,