Letting Go of “Homemaker’s Guilt”

“I’m a bad wife, a bad mom, and a bad housekeeper!” she berated herself.

“All these other people have their act together. Their houses are clean; their kids are well-behaved; they get to where they need to be on time. I’m just a loser. Being a wife and mom is the only job I have, and I am doing such a horrible job at it.”

I listened with sadness as a dear lady poured her heart out to me, sharing how defeated she felt.

When I probed further, she revealed that her childhood had been filled with the critical and judgmental voice of her mother. She had never felt good enough; never felt that she could do anything right. Now as an adult she still hears that inner voice telling her she’s a disappointment to her mother.

Instead of seeing her house full of people to love, she sees the dirty dishes in the sink and thinks she is a lousy housekeeper.

Instead of seeing the busy season of motherhood for what it is, she sees all the ministries she is not involved in and thinks she is a bad Christian.

Perhaps you have felt this crushing weight of self-condemnation too.

Maybe you're seeing yourself through the critical eye of your mother.
Or maybe you're imagining that your friends are silently judging you.
Or maybe in your mind you've compiled all the best parts of others' lives and you feel that you should be meeting those standards every hour of every day.

But to incorporate the strengths of every homemaker you know and try to live up to them all, your life would have to look something like this:
You're a woman with a perfectly clean, organized and beautifully-decorated house, who is so frugal that you got all the decorations at yard sales.  But you didn't take any time away from your family to go to the yard sales because you enjoy being with them every minute.  You also homeschool your children for 14 hours a day so that they will be well-educated, but you always give them plenty of time to play and express themselves.  You make everything from scratch from food that you grew yourself, but you are never obsessive about spending too much time in the kitchen because you need to be spending quality time with your kids.  You make homemade gifts to take to the neighbor's house, and you also sell those products on social media so you can earn money to help contribute to the family's income.  Your children are obedient, well-mannered, and never look disheveled in spite of the fact that you know how to let “kids be kids” and allow them to make mud pies in the back yard without getting stressed about it.  (Their clothes never get stained because you always treat the stains immediately after they're done playing — their clothes don't ever get left in the middle of the bathroom floor.)  In the midst of all these activities, you prepare a healthy dinner, and you serve it at the table you bought at a yard sale and refinished yourself.  When your husband arrives home, you greet him with a sweet smile, never flustered at the food that's burning on the stove and the children who are running through the house (because you don't burn food and your children don't ever run through the house anyway.)  After dinner the children immediately begin helping clean up the kitchen and get ready for bed without being told (because you have organized family routines that everyone follows perfectly.) When they're safely tucked in, you complete your daily exercise routine and check over your shopping list for the next day, which includes a gift for Great Aunt Sally's birthday next month (because you're so organized like that.)  Then you finish folding the laundry  (that you actually remembered to put in the dryer) and tidying the house before you spend some quality time with your husband and read your Bible before bed.  (You never go to bed late — you need to take care of your health you know.)

If that sounds ridiculous, that's because IT IS!

But when you believe that your godliness or your value as a homemaker is proven by what you do, there will always be something more for you to chase after.

There will always be more laundry and dishes to do; there's always a nicer meal that you could make; and another homemaking skill that you need to learn.

Doing those things is not wrong. Staying faithful in the midst of the mundane is good. Learning new skills is commendable.

But your ability to do all the things doesn't actually prove a single thing about you.

When you believe that the critical voice of your mother that you hear in your mind will be silenced when you do more and do better, you will be disappointed.
When you believe that when you can appear perfect to others, that you won't live in fear of what they might be thinking, you will find that is not true.
And when you believe that you can live up to impossible standards that you've set for yourself if you just keep trying harder, you will only set yourself up for burnout.

You will feel overworked and underappreciated; you will feel shame; and when the stress of it all spills over onto your family with ugly words, you will feel shame for that too.

If you're playing this game of trying to chase away guilt as a homemaker, I have good news for you.

You don't have to play the game.

“Good enough” is an elusive goal that you will never be able to reach. The harder you try to get there, the more you will find that it is always out of reach.

Many churches and Bible teachers reinforce this faulty thinking as they focus on all the things a good Christian is supposed to do and be. Instead of leaving church services with a sense of freedom and the ability to breathe a little lighter, you leave every service feeling even more  weight of yet another character trait or act of service that you need to add to your life.

But what was it that you would have loved  more than anything to hear from your critical mother?
Maybe something like this?
“My love for you is not based on your behavior; it is based on the fact that you are my child, and that will never change. I’m not waiting for you to learn how to make your bed without a wrinkle before I delight in you; I delight in you because you are my child.”

Likewise, when you learn who you are in Christ and that truth sinks way, down deep into your soul, the inner condemnation you hear will disappear. You will find yourself transforming as a person, a wife, and a mother when you claim the truth of your belovedness and live from it every day.

Your value is in who you ARE, not in what you DO.

I heard a quote recently that asked the question, “Are you hustling for your worthiness or resting in your belovedness?”

Jesus invites you to come unto him and find rest. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30.)

I encourage you to open the Bible and start learning who you truly are in Christ:

Here are just a few things from Ephesians chapter 1:

Holy
Blameless
Accepted
Forgiven

A couple of good books that will help you find freedom from the hustle and find rest in Christ:

Grace for the Good Girl: Letting Go of the Try Hard Life
The Naked Gospel

I think some people are afraid to rest in the grace of God because they fear it will take away their motivation to do the things they ought to.

But I've found that when you are overcome with how abundant his grace is, the freedom that results from leaving behind a life of pressure and guilt provides an entirely new and better motivation!

When you fully grasp that God's love for you never changes — that you can't make God love you more by doing more and you can't make him love you less by doing less — you will be energized to be the person he created you to be.

You will be able to use the unique strengths he gave you as a homemaker, and with confidence you can eliminate all the “should's”  that make you feel guilty when you don't measure up.

I used to apologize every day when my husband came home for all the things I didn't get done that day.  I would feel so upset and stressed that I didn't get the laundry done (again) or that supper wasn't all that great.  But I wasn't really apologizing to him; I was apologizing to myself for not meeting the unrealistic ideals of who I thought I was supposed to be as a homemaker.

Now I don't have to be stressed.  I don't have to apologize.  I simply have to rest in who God says I am.

Let the guilt go.  Ignore the judgment – from others and from yourself.

Rest in Christ and be free.

The Easiest, No-Brainer Way to Earn Extra Cash

We're all looking for ways to earn extra cash, but before I go any further, I want to stop right here and make something very clear.  This makes the second post in a row on earning money.

That doesn't mean everything I post is now going to be all about money!  That's just the way the timetable happened to line up with these posts.

Using our money wisely, both in how we spend and how we earn, is an important aspect of homemaking; however, it should not be an all-consuming thing; only a small part of what we do.

Now that we got that out of the way, let me make sure you've been using the easiest, no-brainer way to earn extra cash that every single homemaker can do.

Have you heard of Swagbucks?

I can't believe I haven't mentioned it to you sooner.  I've been using it for years, and I imagine a lot of you here have too.  But for those who are out of the loop, it's time to get in the loop!

I have earned hundreds (thousands?) of dollars from Swagbucks by doing nothing out of the ordinary.

The simplest way to use it is to use Swagbucks as your search engine.  Every time you use Swagbucks for a search, it will periodically award you with a random amount of Swagbucks.  Those Swagbucks can be redeemed for gift cards to various stores or even cash via PayPal.  My favorite way to redeem them is for Amazon gift cards.  Since I regularly shop at Amazon anyway, it's like getting free money!

Use the Swagbucks search engine for everything and your earnings will add up rather quickly.  For example, if you want to come to my blog, you can type Imperfect Homemaker into the Swagbucks search engine instead of coming directly here.  The more  you use it, the more you increase your chances of winning.

Over the last few years, Swagbucks has added a ton of additional (and quite easy) ways to earn.  I've neglected to use it as much as I should, and I know I've left a lot of money on the table because of it.  I'm excited to start exploring the quickest and easiest ways to earn which I'll share with you periodically.

But for now, let's get you started!  You're already online; you might as well be using the Swagbucks search engine and earning a little something for your time!

Just by signing up and completing your profile you start out with 30 Swagbucks right off the bat.

See how easy it is?!

Sign up through this link and start earning those gift cards!

Update 12/13!

Swagbucks has an incredible deal right now for all of you VISA customers out there – register your card via this offer and you'll get a $5 Gift Card of your choice (500 Swag Bucks) when you make a purchase of $1 or more at any Peets Coffee & Tea store! 

Did you hear that??  Spend $1 and get back $5!

The best part is that you can complete this offer up to 5 times, meaning you can get a total of $25 in FREE gift cards through this offer.

I told you it was easy to earn with Swagbucks!

Sign up here!

How to Make Money Blogging

I don't blog a whole lot about blogging here, as that is not the main purpose of this blog.

However, I do realize that many homemakers are looking for ways to make money from home.

Therefore, I do have a couple resources available for you.

First, if you don't yet have a blog, you can go here and use my step-by-step instructions to set up your blog.

Second, if you're looking for specific ways to make money with your blog, you can download the quick start guide here for all of my best ideas!

25 Clutter Free Gift Ideas for Homemakers

“It was a nice thought, but I really don't need this.  I don't want to get rid of a gift someone just gave me, but it's honestly just going to clutter up my house.”

Isn't that such a bad feeling?

I don't want you to have to feel that way this Christmas, so I came up with a list of  25 clutter free gifts for homemakers (things you'll actually use and love!) Now you'll have a go-to idea bank when your sister or husband asks what you want for Christmas.

You won't have to worry about any more unwanted gifts cluttering your house if your gift-giver gets wind of these ideas!

1. Restaurant Gift Cards – great for date nights or errand days

2. Etsy Gift Card – if you're wanting a specific accessory or home accent you'll be able to shop for exactly what you like.

3. Music/Audio- A voucher for some new music downloads, audiobooks, or dramatized stories to play as she does her housework is practical and clutter-free.

4. Weekend Away – A couple nights at a bed and breakfast with babysitting lined up would be an amazing gift for a husband to give his wife.  (Find fabulous deals on weekend getaways on Groupon.)

5. Tickets to concerts, events, museums, etc. are great for date nights

6. Gift certificates – perhaps for a massage, manicure, or hair salon

7. A Kindle or some real books if she likes real books better

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8. Digitizing old photos and videos- this is something many women would like to have done but hesitate to do it on their own due to the price. Legacybox is a company I've seen highly recommended.

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9. Something needed – New vacuum, replace old kitchen or bath towels, etc.

10. Outside plants – shrubs, trees, blueberry bushes, etc.

11. Home improvement or home décor gift cards

12. Food gifts –  cater to their dietary needs or to their favorite foods (gluten free, tea lover, coffee lover, chocolate lover, etc.) A Love with Food subscription box would be amazing!

13. YMCA/gym membership – only if she's expressed a desire for one! You don't want her to think you're dropping hints!

14. New cell phone – an upgrade would be a fun surprise

15. AAA membership

16. Home-cooked meals for the freezer – this might sound boring but it would be heavenly to a busy homemaker!

17. Maid service gift certificates – need I say more?  You can find deals on Groupon sometimes.

18. Offer your time and services – painting a room, fixing a computer, cleaning out and organizing a garage, etc.

19. Menu planning service – Build a Menu is the one I use and recommend.  You can purchase an entire year's worth of pre-made menus and save her loads of time!

20. Amazon Prime – This is sooo nice to have!  Free 2 day shipping on every day items like groceries and diapers saves tons of time and stress.  It's wonderful not to have to drag a bunch of kids to the store for those things.

21. Online class – If there's something she's been wanting to learn you can find online classes for almost anything. Craftsy is a good place to get classes on all kinds of things like cake decorating, sewing, photography and more.

22. Photo gifts – Women are sentimental creatures.  Photo gifts are perfect.  I have found that Tiny Prints has some very tasteful designs on their photo gifts.

23. Other sentimental gifts – For example, pay someone to make a quilt from sentimental articles of clothing.

24. Cute apron – I promise cooking is more fun when you look cute doing it!  Check out Flirty Aprons for all kinds of cute designs.

24. This one is for you to decide!  Let's put additional ideas in the comments so everyone can benefit!

Throw it Away (Imperfect Homemaking Challenge)

Is your clutter closing in on you?

I feel like I am constantly decluttering, but things just seem to breed themselves overnight!

I know I have strange ideas about homemaking that I am working hard to overcome.  Things like “I can't do any deep cleaning until all the ‘regular' cleaning is done.”

Sometimes I also forget that it's not a rule that I can't declutter unless everything else is clean.

You know what's even more crazy?  Sometimes I become blind to things that are absolute trash!

My house is constantly strewn with little bitty papers that my kids were using to make play money or art projects, or who-knows-what.  It all looks like trash even though it's special treasure to them.  So when a piece of real trash is lying around, sometimes I don't even notice it.

Wouldn't it be better to teach your kids not to leave their papers strewn around in the first place?

Yes. Yes it would.  But they are still little, and still learning.  Kids need lots of repetition.

Today's Challenge: Find 10 things to throw away.

Just by throwing away 10 things, your house will feel lighter and more manageable.

Instagram challenge: Post a picture of what you found to throw away.  Use the hashtag #imperfecthomemaker to encourage other members of this community!  (Follow me here.)

If you’re just joining the 31 Days of Imperfect Homemaking series, you can see all the posts here.

Taking Care of Yourself (Imperfect Homemaking Challenge)

Time is my biggest enemy when it comes to taking care of my appearance.

I really don't enjoy feeling frumpy, but I'll be honest, there are many, many days when I don't even get to shower.  Believe me, I try, but with 4 small children at home, I can pretty much forget it unless I get up early or stay up late.  It's sad.

My toenails are often undone and sometimes I forget to shave my legs because if I do dare to take a shower during the day I am inevitably interrupted by some minor emergency.

But I really don't enjoy feeling ugly either.  Feeling pretty and feminine actually helps me be a better homemaker because it puts me in a better mood.

So what's a girl to do?

There's only one answer to that – make time.  It's worth it to stay up a little later to do my toenails if it will help me be more cheerful the next day.  It's worth it to stay up a little later if it means I'll get 2 legs shaved instead of only one.

It's worth it to invest in myself so that I can better invest in my family.

Today's Challenge: Take some time to take care of yourself today.  (Even if it's just shaving the other leg!)

 

You'll feel better about yourself and be a more cheerful homemaker!

Instagram challenge: Post a photo of what you did to take care of yourself.  Use the hashtag #imperfecthomemaker to encourage other members of this community.  (Follow me here.)

If you’re just joining the 31 Days of Imperfect Homemaking series, you can see all the posts here.