Why Your Physical Health Affects Your Ability to be a Gentle Parent

Did you know that an unhealthy gut can lead to those explosions of anger that you loathe so much?

It's true, friends.

Although I believe you ought to address the spiritual side of anger first, (see 15 Scriptures for the Parent Who Struggles with Anger) you would be wise to address your physical health as well.
It took me a while to put the pieces together, but over time I have learned that a large part of my struggle to be a gentle parent has been related to my physical health.

I know for a fact that my gut health is nowhere near where it needs to be. My journey through chronic fatigue has taught me that. I've been in the care of an excellent doctor, and I've also spent hours and hours in research, and I've learned a whole lot about my physical health.

Have you ever heard of the term “gut-brain connection”?

(You have now. 🙂 )

Think about these ideas:

• You get butterflies in your stomach when you are excited.
• You feel sick to your stomach when you are afraid.
• Your stomach drops when you ride on a rollercoaster.
• A tragic experience is “gut-wrenching“.

Your gut is the seat of your emotions.

In the King James Bible, you'll find the term “bowels” used many times. Generally the word is used as a term for strong emotions.

For example:

1. Joseph being reunited with his younger brother:

Genesis 43:30 “And Joseph made haste; for his bowels did yearn upon his brother: and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his chamber, and wept there.”

2. Two women each had a baby. One accidentally killed her child by rolling onto it in the night. She took the other woman's baby and tried to claim it was hers. They both went before the judge, and the wise judge, in order to easily tell who was the real mother, said to cut the baby in half and give each woman half.
I Kings 3:26 Then spake the woman whose the living child was unto the king, for her bowels yearned upon her son, and she said, O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it.”

3. Job in his great physical and emotional pain said:
Job 30:27 “My bowels boiled, and rested not: the days of affliction prevented me.”

4. The emotion when anticipating a visit from a lover:
Song of Solomon 5:4 “My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.”

5. Jeremiah's great burden for his people:
Jeremiah 4:19 “My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.”

6. The need to feel Christian love toward others:
Colossians 3:12 “Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;”

These are just a few examples of the many emotions that the word “bowels” describes.

• Distress
• Compassion
• Guilt
• Love

So now that you understand that your gut is the place where your emotions stem from, you can see that it's important to maintain good gut health because an unhealthy gut leads to unhealthy emotions.

Take for example this list from Harvard Health outlining some symptoms of intestinal distress:

• Crying
• Overwhelming sense of tension or pressure
• Trouble relaxing
• Nervousness
• Quick temper
• Depression
• Poor concentration
• Trouble remembering things
• Loss of sense of humor
• Indecisiveness

Do you see how poor gut health could affect your ability to be a gentle parent?

I told my husband once that many times when I explode, it's not necessarily because I feel angry. It's more like a panic button. When everyone is saying “Mommy! Mommy!”, and the food is burning on the stove, and somebody just peed their pants, and the baby is crying, my body just can't handle all the stress of the moment and the pressure boils over. I end up speaking in a not-so-nice way or dealing with the situation in a calm and Christ-like manner.

While I can't use my physical issues as an excuse not to be gentle, it's still important that they be addressed.

The quest to become a more gentle parent must be a multi-faceted approach which deals with spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional factors.

Chances are, if you find yourself experiencing any of the symptoms on the list above, you too have some gut issues that need to be addressed. An incredibly high percentage of people today do, thanks to stress, poor diets, a food supply that lacks in essential nutrients, and even genetic factors.

When I finish this series, I plan to dive right in to a new series where I'll share some of my own journey through chronic fatigue, anxiety, and depression and give you some practical ideas for improving your own health.

Improving your physical health is essential to improving your emotional health, and improving your emotional health will be an incredible help to you as you seek to be a more gentle parent.

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

How to Calm Your Spirit When You Feel Like You’re Losing Control

Remember in the Bible when King Saul had problems with rage?  David was brought in to play music for him, and it calmed his spirit.  Music (the right kind of music anyway) will have a calming effect on your spirit too when you are feeling like you may lose control of your temper.

Play some soothing hymns in your home, and you will be surprised at how much calmer you feel. Meditating on the words of songs that are scripturally based will help you walk in the Spirit, and the music itself will have a calming effect on your nerves.

One of my very favorite things to listen to right now, and I recommend that they be in every household, are these Scripture Meditations recordings.  There are a couple different volumes, but this one is my personal favorite when it comes to the Scriptures that are included.  They are just what I need when I am tempted to be angry.  (I don't make anything if you order these; I just highly recommend them.)

Whatever you choose to listen to, make it a habit to keep Godly Christian music playing in your home.

Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Ephesians 5:19 “Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.”

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

For more help controlling your thoughts, you may want to grab this Philippians 4:8 printable.

The Most Important Habit to Develop if You’re an Explosive Parent

Do you find yourself exploding frequently at your children with unkind and hurtful words?There was a period recently where I was experiencing blow-ups way too frequently and I knew something had to change.  I didn't want to yell at my kids, but I didn't know how to stop. I asked God to show me how I could defeat this enemy, and as he has promised (James 1:5) He gave me the answers.

One of the most important things I learned was that I needed to develop a habit of meditation.

No, I'm not talking about doing yoga.  I'm talking about scriptural meditation on that which is good and right.

Psalm 19:14 “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.”

If I want the words of my mouth to be acceptable before the Lord (and pleasant to my children), the meditation of my heart must first be acceptable before the Lord.

Here is a list of 3 things I should be meditating upon:

1. Scripture

Joshua 1:8 “This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.”

Psalm 1:1-2 “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.”

2. My blessings

Philippians 4:4 “Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.”

I Thessalonians 5:18 “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

3. A truthful perspective

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

Visit yesterday's post to read more about what I mean about telling the truth to ourselves.

Meditating on good things and counting my blessings has gone a long way in helping to curb the explosions that would come out of my mouth.

When I continuously mull over all the negative things about my day, my mind is clouded with those toxic thoughts.  I forget to count my blessings because I've filled my mind with the things I don't like.  And whatever is in my heart is what will come out of my mouth.

Luke 6:45 “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.”

I explode because I feel overwhelmed with how badly things are going.

But if I fill my mind with good things, I don't have all that negativity rolling around in there ready to boil over as soon as something unpleasant happens.

Now, let me also mention that physical issues can contribute to anxiety and irritability in a big way.  Read more here about why your physical health affects your ability to be a gentle parent.

It's important to address underlying physical issues that may be going on, but we must never neglect to seek the Lord first. We must never become so focused on figuring out all the answers ourselves that we forget to focus on the One who made our bodies, who loves us, and who knows exactly what we need.

What are you meditating on?  Are you meditating on all the things that stress you out, all the messes your kids made, all the things that are not going according to your plan?

Friends, let's practice meditating on God's Word, count our blessings, and fill our minds with what is true and good.

Then watch as you are transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Romans 12:2)

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

How to Remain Calm When Your Kids Make You Upset

“No…wait!”  I tried to stop her before she wiped the beet juice from her chin – with her white shirt.  But I was a second too late.  This is the child that I cannot keep clothed decently because she is constantly using her clothes as a napkin and staining them beyond repair.

“There goes another of her last few remaining decent outfits,” I thought.  Beet juice is NOT going to come out of anything.

I wanted to be angry.  I wanted to be irritated.  I mean, how many times do I have to tell her to use a napkin to wipe her face and not her clothes?

But I stopped and remembered my own words that I have said to this same child many times before.  “Tell yourself the truth.”  You see, this child is also my highly emotional child.  When something doesn't go her way, she doesn't just huff and puff a little bit.  She wails over it.  She says things that, if she were to stop and think about them are completely not true.  Gets in trouble for taking a cookie before supper?  “I'm never going to get a cookie ever again in my life!”  A brother teases her?  “You don't love me!”  A toy breaks?  “I'm never going to be able to play with toys again!  They always break!”

I have to stop her irrational outbursts with an encouragement to tell herself the truth about the situation.  Is it really true that you'll never be able to eat a cookie again in your life?  Does your brother really hate you?  Let's think of something nice he's done for you today.  That's not hating you is it?  Are all of your toys really going to break?  Look at all of the other toys you have.  Have they broken?

It seems so crazy for her to get so upset over something so minor, and yet, if I really step back and look at things objectively, it's crazy for me to become angry over something that's actually minor too.

So instead of berating her for forgetting to use her napkin, I chose to tell myself the truth.  Out loud.  To her face.  I pulled her in close and said, “Is mommy going to die because you stained your shirt?  Are you going to die because you stained your shirt?  No and no.  Then things aren't really so bad, are they?  It's okay.  I'm not angry about the stained shirt.  But you do need to remember to use a napkin next time you need to wipe your face.

Telling myself the truth calmed my spirit and kept me in control of my reaction.  I didn't say anything I would regret later.

We must remember to tell ourselves the truth on a daily (hourly? minute-by-minute?) basis.  Every time we're tempted to react in anger toward something our child has done, we must stop and tell ourselves the truth about the situation.

Someone spilled the entire gallon of milk and we don't have money in the budget to buy another one until next week?  Is yelling at my child for getting the milk out without permission going to change anything or bring back the gallon of milk?  Will I even remember the spilled gallon of milk next month or even next week?  This is not a life-changing event, and I should not get bent out of shape about it.

I've reminded my child three times to clean his room and he still hasn't done it? What good does responding in anger do?  It teaches him that the reason he should clean his room is to keep from making mom mad.  But the truth is that he needs to do it simply because it's the right thing to do.  So instead of becoming angry, I can look to the root of the problem and address that directly.  Is it a laziness problem? I need to point him to scriptures concerning laziness, help him memorize those, and pray for him to have victory in this area of his character.  Is it a matter of feeling overwhelmed and not knowing where to start? I can give him more specific instructions, such as to make his bed or put his dirty clothes in the hamper.

Telling ourselves the truth is one of the best ways to remain in control of our spirit.  Most of the time exploding in anger is going to do more harm than good and will do nothing to change the situation.  Most of the incidents that make us want to explode don't seem so bad when we look at them outside the heat of the moment; therefore, retreating from the situation until we can tell ourselves the truth objectively is a wise thing to do.

So next time you feel that explosion bubbling under the surface, remember: Tell the Truth!

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series

For more help thinking on what is true, you may want to use this Philippians 4:8 printable.

15 Scriptures for the Parent who Struggles with Anger

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, 5 Self-Control Strategies for the Christian Parent, you must speak truth to yourself.  You must renew your mind with the Word of God.  The Bible clearly tells us that we can be transformed by the renewing of our mind. (Romans 12:2)

So if you struggle with anger or speaking unkindly to your children, here are 15 scriptures that you ought to memorize. “Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way?  By taking heed thereto according to thy word.  Thy word have I hid in mine heart that I might not sin against thee.” (Psalm 119:9, 11)

The Holy Spirit uses the Word of God to guide you in the way you ought to go.  How can he do that if you have not first filled your mind with Scripture?

1. Galatians 5:22-23

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.”

2. Proverbs 29:20, 22

“Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him. An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression.”

3. Psalm 141:3

“Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; Keep the door of my lips”

4. James 1:19-20

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”

5. Proverbs 21:23

“Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.”

6. Proverbs 16:32

“He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.”

7. Romans 6:12-13

“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof. Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.”

8. Colossians 3:8

“But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.”

9. Romans 13:14

“But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.”

10. Ephesians 4:22-24

“That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.”

11. Colossians 3:12-15

“Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.”

12. Proverbs 15:1

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”

13. Proverbs 14:29

“He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly”

14. Ephesians 4:22-27; 29-32

“That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath^. Neither give place to the devil. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.”

15. James 1:26

“If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.”

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

5 Essential Self-Control Strategies for Parents

You will never be a gentle parent if you have not learned the discipline of self-control.  All parents are going to feel angry from time to time.  It is not a sin to feel angry.  But what you do with that anger is the difference between being a Godly parent or whether you are parenting in the flesh.

Since you already know that the temptation to react improperly (yell, huff and puff, give unreasonable consequences simply because you feel angry) will arise from time to time, you would be wise to proactively put some strategies in place to help you keep your temper under control.

(Romans 13:14 “But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.”)

I'm listing 5 ideas for you here, and we'll also explore some of these a little more in-depth in the next few days of the Parenting with Gentleness series.

1. Speak truth to yourself.

You must fill your mind with the truth of God's Word.  Your actions will never change until your thinking is changed.

(Romans 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.“)

2. Pray

As soon as you feel the frustration arising, you ought to begin to pray.  You cannot control yourself.  Self-control is actually allowing yourself to be controlled by the Holy Spirit.  Pray and yield yourself to him, asking for the strength to control yourself even though you feel angry.

3. Deep breathing

Deep, steady breaths will help slow down your heart rate and calm your nerves.  You need to calm your body down or the pressure may cause you to explode at your children.

4. Listen to music

Soft, soothing music will also help to slow down your heart rate and calm your nerves.  Also, if you are listening to music that is filled with truths from God's Word, you are doubling up 2 strategies in one!

5. Remove yourself from the situation

It's pretty much impossible to feel calm when you're standing in the middle of a big mess your child has made.  Don't say a word until you have left “the crime scene” or you might say something you don't really mean.

(Proverbs 29:11 “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.”)

Don't wait until you feel angry to figure out how to react because you can pretty much be assured that it won't be the right way.  Make your plans ahead of time so you won't be taken by surprise.  You'll be glad you did.

This post is part of the Parenting with Gentleness series.