You know the child.
The one who breaks all the rules. The one who doesn't listen to anything you say. The one who acts carelessly, only thinking of himself and the present moment, with no regard to how his actions will affect others or what long-term consequences his decisions will have.
Some people would call this child the rebel because he goes against everything he has been taught and what he knows is right. He hates being told what to do and bucks against it with all his might.
I have one of those children in my house. This child lives all out.
My mom used to say this little ditty to me when I was a child:
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad, she was horrid.
That pretty much sums up this child of mine.
There are so many wonderful things about this little human, but many days I find myself pulling my hair out wondering why in the world this child will not do what they're supposed to do! Then, to make matters worse, they show no remorse when they've been caught. Discipline seems to have no effect and teaching seems to go in one ear and out the other.
How can I reach the heart of this child?
I wish I could say I had a formula that would magically make my child start thinking outside of their tiny box and look at the bigger picture of God and others. However, all you're going to find here is the musings of a mother who wants more than anything to see her children grow in the Lord, be sensitive to sin, and submit their lives to God's leadership.
Although I'm not an expert (and honestly I don't think anyone can be an expert parent; we're all just imperfect humans trying to figure this thing out, and the answers change for every child), I'm also not approaching this child training thing willy-nilly either. I'm thankful that God has given us direction for training our children in the Bible, that he provides wisdom for specific situations, and that he answers our prayers.
So here is my strategy for reaching the heart of my little rebel:
1. Commit my child's heart to the Lord
First and foremost I must remember that the choices my child makes are just that – personal choices. I cannot make my child do right, and I need to pray every single day for the Holy Spirit to do the work in my child's heart that I cannot do.
2. Love unconditionally
My child needs to know my love – whether I'm pleased with good choices or disappointed with wrong ones – they need to know I don't love them any more or any less based on what they do. The father of the prodigal son watched and waited for his wayward son, proving his forgiveness long before his son asked for it. I need to be careful that I am not holding grudges against my child for misbehavior. Being irritated with my child until they ask forgiveness shows that they are only accepted based on performance.
3. Teach God's Word
The key to my child's victory over sin is found in the Word of God, first through salvation, and second through yielding each day to the Holy Spirit's control. I must be faithful to help my child understand these concepts so they can personally put them into practice in their life.
4. Set boundaries
Although the rebel bucks against boundaries, they also need to know that they cannot live exactly as they please without consequences. Children need clearly set boundaries, with consequences that are consistently carried out when those are crossed. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” One application of that verse is this: “Train up a child in the way he naturally is bent to go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” In other words, if you let your child do whatever he wants to do now, you can be pretty sure he's going to do whatever he wants to do when he's grown too. That's not the direction I want my children headed, and therefore I'm not going to allow them to do what they want to do. They're going to have to learn what's expected of them, and they're going to learn from experience that there will be consequences every time they start heading in a different direction. Of course, boundaries and correction must be balanced out with the other things on this list!
5. Give a vision for Point B
If my child is at Point A (living for self and the here-and-now), the goal is to guide them to Point B (living for others, thinking before acting). I need to help my child understand what Point B is and why they want to go there. I'll be having regular meetings with my child to discuss those things.
6. Craft a plan for reaching Point B
It's not enough for my child just to “want to do better.” They need to know exactly what steps to take to reach Point B. It's my job to help create a plan that's personalized to this child that will provide the map for that journey. That map will include not only principles from God's Word and regular prayer with this child, but will also include practical help (for example: “When I feel angry at my brother and want to hit him, I will go in my room and shut the door instead.”)
7. Spend time together
All the teaching and training in the world will hold no weight when it is not backed up by quality time spent with my child. My child needs to know they are valuable, and that while I'm extremely interested in their spiritual growth, I'm also interested in them as a person. When you connect with a child on a personal level, it is much easier to connect on a spiritual level.
8. Encourage progress
Every step in the right direction, no matter how tiny, should be recognized. I don't want discouragement to set in when my child is making efforts to get to Point B but doesn't see any positive results from those efforts. I need to focus on the positive instead of going on and on about every setback. That will be easier when I remember the next point, which is to…
9. Remember God's grace in my own life
Boy, I sure make a lot of mistakes! God probably thinks of me as his little rebel too, based on how often I buck against his control and make my own selfish choices. But he forgives every single time, immediately, and without conditions.
When I think about how patient God is with me it is so much easier to be patient with my child and to remember that there will be mistakes. The goal is not perfection, but progress.
10. Never give up.
Some days will be very encouraging. But some days will be dreadfully discouraging. I can't allow the bad days to derail me from my plan. Just because there are mistakes doesn't mean that the entire strategy is worthless. It just means my child is human and needs some grace to get up and try again.
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Do you have a little rebel or did you have one in the past? Has God given you special insight about how to reach their heart? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Other articles for the Christian mother that you might enjoy:
What I'm Learning About Training Children From an Olive Tree
Parent Like You've Overslept
The Thing Our Children Really Need
To the Weary Mom: Here's Why the Bad Days Are Really The Best Days
Dear Mom of the Prodigal Child
